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A horse snorting wildly at the slightest slither;
we are natural enemies, ankle-biting snake against
fetishized freedom, all hair.  You pepper-eating poets
seduce me every time.  Against my character, might

I add: My nostrils are as dilated
as they've ever been, to detect the slightest hint
of movement from you, a stirring and then
the anatomy of the thing will emerge.

Laundry List: Please buy
Tide, the catalogue of the human soul,
self-cutting.  You might crumple up the writing
and swallow it like a spy,

but burning toast is no career, my friend.  Perhaps
that bitch poetry is a necrophiliac, never letting dead
archetypes sleep.  Yes, I know that Helen has launched
ships from: Vietnam, world wars, the Midwest,

which is landlocked.  But you cannot kill the
fat-fingered fairies, the delicate forms.  Rapunzel,
Rapunzel, let down your standards!  I will give you
a dose of your own medicine, and like a cancer

the poem will grow and swell, and the entrance fee is:
matted dog fur, stillborn niggers, pickled torsos in the bath.
But let us discuss the many ways in which humans
hurt.  Cuts, burns, scorned loves, shocks to systems heavy with

pathogens.  Your mother.  That vase.  I am in your
thrall, pepper-eaters, with all trimming and none of the -
what do I care?  Unrealized possibilities are the most
seductive thing there is, and it's interesting

when people scream and strip and die.  Particularly
in one so young, and all the high ideals in the Dakotas
don't stop burnt toast - like unrequited love, the intention
is to feed: and it is small, silver, hard, but it chars.  The stink

on your hands and in your hair.  Windows opened,
curtains flung, wars won.  A blackening of purpose
and then an absence of sound:
and in the morning, it's still there.
©2006-2009 =adahplatha
:iconadahplatha:

Author's Comments

pompous

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:iconjustb:
as they've ever been(i would like to see this say "as they have")

pickled torsos in the bath. (pickled torsos in "a" bath?)

thrall, pepper-eaters, (thrall, you pepper-eaters, --?)

seductive thing (be better than the word "thing". personally i see the word "scathe" sitting in there nicely.)

when people scream and strip and die. (strip to die?)

and all the high ideals in the Dakotas
don't stop burnt toast

( -- I am not sure this is said the right way. instead of "stop" could you maybe say "reverse?")

and it is small, silver, hard, but it chars (i was questioning the use of the semicolon there, but i like it but i think 'but it chars' could be shortened nicely into 'but chars.'

The stink

on your hands and in your hair. -- i think 'your' could be removed.

wars won. A blackening of purpose
and then an absence of sound:
and in the morning, it's still there. ( 'then the absence of sound?' )

i was questioning whether wars won was ok or whether 'wars were won' was better. i figure you had it right the first time.

totally explosive poem, adah. platha.

--
"I've taken enough walks alone
to know how real nothing is."
~dystopian-dream-girl
:icondiamondie:
There's something that doesn't hit me the right way in the second stanza, but I can't seem to identify it. I really like the second and third last lines, but the last line sounds like it could be reworded. The word "love" makes two appearances and it might be too much. Overall this is very solid and I probably wouldn't touch anything else, not even those things that ~justb pointed out. The style is great and I don't see it as pompous.
:iconfluid-motion:
I enjoyed reading this, entertaining and a funky read.

unconstructive comment!

--
"The ending is brilliant. Seriously. I might get that inscribed on my casket someday so God will understand."
:iconadahplatha:
Your quote wins in every way, I want to make Zooey my bride.
Thank you very much for your kind words!
:iconadahplatha:
I think reverse replacing stop might be more surrealist than the poem can hold, but you make interesting points on diction and I'm going to nitpick the flow with your suggestions in mind and a locked room so no one has to hear me mutter. I'm keeping "pickled torsos in the bath" because I romanticize it.
Thank you so, so much for critiquing. I adore you all the more!
:iconadahplatha:
What do you think of replacing "scorned loves" with "scorned lovers"? I didn't even notice that the word love had reared its ugly head here. Thank you especially for saying you don't see it as pompous, I've been struggling with authorial voice while writing poetry about poetry and sometimes it just gets arrogant and incestuous and terrible.
thank you! :rose:
:iconjustb:
omg i owe you a buttered muff....in.

--
"I've taken enough walks alone
to know how real nothing is."
~dystopian-dream-girl
:icondiamondie:
I'm not sure if it would make much difference. "Lovers" is probably more clichéd than "loves" (as a plural) and wouldn't completely remove the repetition. But it's not too bad if you leave it as it is.
:iconslingshot40:
Very good except for one smallish thing. The "might" at the end of the first stanza seems really wiered and out of place. Other than that I like. Bravo.

--
The truth is, Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil, and the government is lying about 9/11
-Huey, Boondocks ep 1

Give a man something to hate, and he will love you. Give that same man something to love and he will hate you.

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February 28, 2006
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